Fear

Generally speaking, I am a fearful person.  Most people may or may not realize this about me, but I really am.  I suppose it has a great deal to do with how I grew up, but at this stage of my life, it's hard for me to not recognize it when it pops up.

Today, it has popped up and is very noticeable.

 My throat is tight, my chest is too.  I can't figure out what to do with my hands (thankfully at the moment I'm using them to type - until I finish).  My mind is racing at full speed and I can't seem to concentrate.

My fear may seem irrational to you, but it's very real to me.  Tomorrow, I will be running/walking 5 miles, by myself.  Normally, I'd go out and do my long runs with my husband, Andre, but he has to work tomorrow.  And because I'm such a fearful person, I won't go out by myself - not that distance anyway.

No, the 5 miles will have to be done on my treadmill.

I'm very good at making excuses not to run... in fact, I believe I should have an honorary PH.D just in that subject alone and now, without Andre here as my support system, I'm afraid I won't start... worse yet, I'm afraid I'll find a reason not to finish.

You see, because of my weight, the self doubt and the "I can't do it's" tend to creep up into my mind very often.  It's those thoughts and feelings that I use as my crutch.  It's those thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing right now.

What if I can't finish this?  What if I get too winded?  What if I have a heart attack and die right there on the spot.  Yes, as I said, I'm very good at finding excuses.

What I really wish I could do is have the strength to conquer my fear.  I need to ask God for help with this one, because right now, he's the only one who can help me get past this.