Happy Birthday Grammy

Happy birthday Grammy.  I miss you so much.

I was only 13 when you died and my birthday was just a few weeks away.  God I miss you.  I know I already said that, and you would think that after all this time it would have gone away, but even after nearly 30 years, it remains just as true as it did then.

I remember so many wonderful things ...

... things like popsicle stick fishing.  You tied string to popsicle sticks and we walked to a nearby bridge.  I really thought we would catch LOTS of fish, but we never caught anything.  It didn't really matter, because I had fun.  I went there a few years ago and Andre helped me to find the bridge.  It was as if you were there with me that day.

I remember going to the Enchanted Forest in RI and I remember visiting Mystic Seaport and the lighthouse.  I remember your visits to us here in Fla and going to Disney World.

During one of your visits, you painted our bathroom.  Mom wasn't very happy, but I liked it a lot.  It was like a part of you was in my house even when you went back home.

I hated that you lived so far away.

When we came to visit, that dumb ol' dog used to lie in front of your house and howl at us.  I was afraid of it.

I remember your house and dream of it often.

I used to like to go under the outside stairs.  It was kind of like a secret hideout.

You had so much neat stuff in your house.  I remember your gramophones and games and running around when we were supposed to be quiet.  I remember your attic and trying to get my brother to go up into it first because I was scared, all the while telling him he was a scardy cat in an effort to make him go up there.

I remember the spiral stairs that went up to the next floor.  Mostly, I remember missing a step and falling down those stairs - even then I was a klutz.

I remember walking to church on Sunday and the dog that I tried to keep by making it follow us to church.  I'm fairly certain you knew what I was doing, even though I was trying to be slick about it and as such, I believe you knew how disappointed I was when it wasn't there after church was over.

I remember orange sherbert. You always had orange sherbert for us.

There's a saying that people don't remember the things you say, but they remember how you made them feel.  That is so true in your case.  I don't recall our conversations at all, but I remember how you made me feel.

Special.  Important.  Loved.

I think you knew that I felt different, disconnected, like someone outside looking in.  You always brought me in.

I remember you when you were sick.  We visited you at your sister-in-law's house.  You were wearing a shawl or blanket or something, but you just looked so different to me.  You were dying.  I knew deep down that was the case, but I ignored it.  I refused to think it could be true.

I remember your funeral.

I would never see the smile on your face that you used to wear when you saw me.  Your arms would forever be limp and would not hug me again.  I felt alone.  I don't think anyone knew just how alone.

You would have known.

God I miss you and I wish you were here.

Today is your birthday and I'll think of you as I always do.  I'll have some orange sherbert and I'll look through my pictures and smile.  Most of all, I'll remember how you made me feel.

Special.  Important.  Loved.

I hope you know that to me, you will forever be special, important and loved too.

I love you Grammy.  Always.