Memories - I love you Andre!

Today, is my husband's birthday.  I can't fully express what this man means to me.  There is not a single man walking this earth who means more to me than Andre does.

I thank God for bringing him into my life over 24 years ago and I remember the day we met as if it were yesterday.  We were both police explorers.  Andre was with the Miramar Dept, and I was with the Broward County Sheriff's Office.  We were both working the same detail at the Broward County Fair, but in different locations.  I was working the Dunk a Cop booth to raise money for some charity (the name of which has been lost as the years have advanced).  Andre was working in the main building keeping an eye on the children's artwork that was being judged so that no one would vandalize them.

I was dating someone at the time who was looking more for a mother figure than a girlfriend and I was never very good at dumping anyone.  He was clingy to the point of suffocation and would not leave my side for an instant whenever we were together.  One thing about me, I need my space.  I need my personal bubble to be respected.  I need to be able to hang out with my friends without being asked a ton of questions because you don't trust me.  I knew for a long time, I wasn't meant to be with this person, but I just couldn't figure out a gentle way to let him know without him going off.  Unfortunately, he wasn't always the most stable person.

I managed to get a break without him and made my way up to the main building.  I headed upstairs and began looking through the artwork.  As I walked around I saw two guys standing by the escalator.  One was shorter than the other and he had a slight mustache and the other was much taller with very curly hair.  I was drawn to him immediately.  I said hello to both of them and we all got to talking.  I found out they were cousins, and I found out the taller one's name, Andre.

The first thing I noticed was how good he looked in his uniform. Whoa!

What do you want?  I'm a girl.  I notice these things.  Then I noticed his gorgeous blue eyes.  He had blondish hair which wasn't really my style, I prefer guys with darker hair, but his smile and his laugh drew me in.  I love hearing him laugh.  It's true and unique and expresses such joy.  You know instantly that Andre is truly happy when you hear him laugh.

The fair lasted for quite a few days and I always seemed to find my way to Andre.  Sometimes I'd be at the fair on days I wasn't scheduled to work (although he didn't know that), just so I could see him and get the chance to talk with him.  We talked a lot during those days, but there was one incident in particular that made me know that I really wanted to see more of him.

A ring was found in one of the bathrooms.

He could have simply kept the ring, I mean, who would have known?  No one.  But he didn't.  He wanted to find the owner.  The reason this struck me is because I had lost my senior class ring recently.  My boyfriend at the time, kept badgering me for it.  He said he wanted to wear it around his neck and after a while, I agreed.  It went missing a day later and I was so upset about it.  To this day, I've never had it replaced.  Andre didn't know about this until later, but the fact that he wanted to find the owner meant something to me.  It meant he was honest and thought of other people's feelings.

A few weeks later, I was at an event up in Boca and at the end of the event there was a toga party.  Andre drove all the way up just to be with me at the party. That night, I knew it was time to brake up with my boyfriend. I know, it wasn't the best time or location, but the fact that Andre drove all the way up there to be with me, and me, not having any feelings for this other guy, it had to be done and the fact that it was done in a public place, made me feel a little better.

As much as we saw each other at different details, Andre and I never had our first real official date yet, let alone our first kiss.

Several months later, actually it was 24 years ago today, I called Andre on the phone to wish him a happy birthday.  He wasn't home, so I left a message for him.  He called me back and shortly after that, invited me out on a date.  Our first, real date.

We had a great time.  He took me to see Gallagher and we laughed hysterically.  Afterwards he took me to dinner and we talked and talked.  When he took me home, we had our very first kiss.  I wish I could say it was one of those romantic, movie type kisses, but it really wasn't.  It was awkward, and actually a little painful - we crashed teeth, ha ha.  And you know that shock wave of electrical type pain that goes through your body when you hurt yourself, yeah, that's what I felt at first.  After we stopped laughing from embarrassment and wincing from pain, we tried again, and THAT one was the romantic, movie type kiss.

I had officially fallen for this guy, and HARD.

We eloped three months later.  A lot of people got hurt.  A lot of people didn't understand.  A lot of people had their own thoughts about why I had married Andre, but they were wrong.  I loved Andre and he loved me.  I knew this as well as I knew my own name.

Did my life turn out the way I had dreamed?  No.  Originally, I was planning on becoming a Sheriff's Deputy, but instead I became a wife and mother.  Do I regret it.  Absolutely not.  God knew what he was doing when he put Andre in my path all those years ago.

I remember praying to Him and wishing on stars for a man to come into my life and take me away.  I didn't think I would ever find such a man because of the things that had happened to me in the past.  I didn't think anyone would truly love me when they found out about the pain I carry with me every day, pain that to this day, still sometimes causes panic attacks and nightmares.  God knew he would love me even through all that and he was the perfect man to help me weather my personal demons.

No one in my life has been there for me the way Andre has.  No one in my life has loved me more than Andre has.  No one in my life means more to me than Andre does.

I love that man.  I love his heart, I love his laugh, I love his crazy, curly, (now gray) hair, I love that he can be silly and serious, I love that he allows me space to hang out with friends, I love that he trusts me, I love that he has the giving heart of his mother and will give the shirt off his back if he thinks someone needs it, I love that he always tries to be a peacemaker, I love that he understands my moodiness, I love that he's a hard worker, I love that he's an amazing father who enjoys hanging out with his children, I love his unique dancing style, I love that when I am feeling sad or scared, he is ALWAYS there for me.  I love that he's the first person I want to talk to when something good happens to me.  I love that he's a good man.  I especially love that God sent him to me.

In April, Andre and I will be married for 24 years and in that time, I've grown more and more in love with him.  He is the best husband and father I could have ever wished for.  He is in fact, my best friend.   

I love you Andre.  Happy birthday!!!

Hand of God

I had a long conversation with a friend of mine this morning about everything that's been going on.  It lasted nearly 2 1/2 hours, but it didn't feel that long at all.  I was surprised when I looked at the clock in my truck as I headed out.

 I want to thank my friend for reaching out to me and talking with me.  I was a mess this morning, but after our talk, I feel a million times better and I really appreciate that he took the time to come and speak with me.  I also want to apologize to another friend who wanted to talk to me via PM, but I just wasn't able to do so.

That said, the morning conversation did me good.  Without getting too much into detail, it made me think that maybe I'm not really such a fool to believe in people.  Most people are good at heart, but no one is perfect.  We all get angry.  We all say things to make a point.  And sometimes we say things to hurt others on purpose.  In essence, we all fight mini-wars from time to time. Sometimes they are small ones where we refuse to talk to each other and ignore them completely.  Other times, they are all out battles that last for years.

I am reminded of a time when I myself was engaged in my own mini-war.  It was many years ago and it was the all out battle kind of mini-war that at times got was pretty bad.  There were two different sides and both fought with everything we had.  I was on one side and a woman named Shelly was on the other.  Yelling and screaming, both in person and on public forums were commonplace.  I had zero respect for her and she had the same amount for me.  At one point, it got so bad that when my youngest daughter was brought into it by the other side, (she was two at the time), I knew that there was no way I was letting go of my anger.

And then something happened.

A set of keys were lost.

It was just a little thing, but to this day, I believe it was the hand of God.

We were all at a meeting and Shelly was there with her best friend, Debbie.  After the meeting was over, Debbie went to get into her car and had found out that she lost her keys.  As I was one of the last people out of the meeting, I noticed they were frantically looking for these keys and asked if they needed help.  I don't know why I asked that, but I did.

After hearing their plight, I did the only thing I could think of doing, I offered Debbie a ride.

I didn't think she'd accept given our history, but she did and in my car she went.  I mentally prepared myself for a very awkward experience and started to drive off.  Just as we were about to leave the parking lot, Shelly found Debbie's keys and flagged us down.

I didn't think anything more of it until the next day, when Shelly called me to thank me for offering Debbie a ride.  We talked a long time and buried a lot of hatchets.  It turned out that a lot of things that were said, were misunderstandings, while others were just stuff that should be forgotten because they were said and done in attempts to hurt each other.  I won't say we ever became best friends in the end, because we weren't, but we managed to get along to the point, that we could actually have conversations whenever we saw each other.

Shelly passed away a few years later and I was surprised when I was asked to speak at her service.  It was a strange feeling because we had a strange relationship, but I left that day knowing that we made an effort to make things right and we did the best we could.

I never realized how much our fighting must have caused distress for our friends.  I know that personally, I can be over-emotional.  (Unfortunately that's the price you pay for knowing me).

I'm not perfect and I've been known to argue, just ask my husband, but for some reason, it seems so much worse when my friends argue.  I get really stressed and upset.

My conversation this morning brought me clarity, a LOT of stress relief and a renewed desire to pray for peace between the two groups.  It may or may not come, but I also know with God, anything is possible.

So ... if someone's keys go missing ...

Everybody Plays the Fool

I've had the phrase "Everybody Plays the Fool" in my head.  It turns out, I'm the biggest fool there is.

I received an e-mail from a friend yesterday afternoon in which she told me about a conversation she had with someone.  In the conversation, she alluded to posts made in the "Bullied over a Jersey" blog post I made earlier, as being made by savages.

The conversation was apparently private, but it turns out that her comments were made public and now the group who were going after the guy wearing the wrong jersey, now has a new rallying cry - that of the word "savage."

I have my own words to rally behind.

Words like: Stupid. Naive. Idiot.  And no, those words aren't directed at anyone involved in this argument.  Instead they are directed at me, myself and I.

I've been wrong on many fronts, and I see now that my belief system needs a major overhaul.

While I still believe there was a lot of bullying going on (it's not hard to see based on the comments made on the Facebook wall), hope was given to me in the form of apologies and assurances to talk things out.  I honestly believed that things were going to get better and I went to bed feeling so grateful that I had people in my life willing to work things out.

Then I received that e-mail and it was like a kick in the teeth.  I began seeing more comments, but this time I knew they were directed towards her and I grew incredibly sad. 

It was naive of me to think that things would change.  The biggest lesson I've learned in all of this is that if people really want to fight, they'll do it no matter what and they'll use whatever excuse they can to keep the fires of anger burning brightly.

A lot of stuff has gone on between these two groups and as one person said, it's been going on for five years.  FIVE years?  There have been actual wars that didn't last as long as that.

This is all a big joke to everyone, but it's not to me.  I'm deeply affected by the amount of anger and verbal abuse that's been going on and I don't know what to do about it.  I wish there was a way that I could bring peace, but I don't have that kind of power and the people who do have the power to bring about peace, just aren't interested.

This argument can be stopped, but the people involved have to want it to stop.  Someone has to say, "Okay, that's enough."

But no one wants to.

The hardest part for me is that I know these people and most of them I care about deeply.  If I didn't, I wouldn't be so upset right now. I was talking to someone last night at the hockey game about how badly I was feeling and the tears just started welling up.  How stupid is that? I felt foolish and stupid and naive for believing that people really wanted to make things better and eventually, I had to tell her that I couldn't talk to her anymore about it because it was too upsetting.

I wish I didn't care so much about these people, but I do.  I can't help it and it really hurts to see this all garbage happening and no one wanting it to stop.

I am praying really, REALLY hard that this all ends somehow.  That someone, anyone has the courage to make the fighting stop.

So I make this prayer out to my Lord God and Savior... Lord please.  I really, really love these people.  Please remove the anger from their hearts and give them the courage to stop the fighting and let it go once and for all.  Please.   Amen.

Bullying Over a Jersey?

In today's society, bullying is a hot topic, particularly in the school yards.  My question then is: can bullying happen to adults?

According to Wikipedia:

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.^[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".

Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways. The UK currently has no legal definition of bullying,^[4] while some U.S. states have laws against it.^[5]

Bullying ranges from simple one-on-one bullying to more complex bullying in which the bully may have one or more 'lieutenants' who may seem to be willing to assist the primary bully in his bullying activities. Bullying in school and the workplace is also referred to as peer abuse.^[6] Robert W. Fuller has analyzed bullying in the context of rankism.

Bullying can occur in any context in which human beings interact with each other. This includes school, church, family, the workplace, home, and neighborhoods. It is even a common push factor in migration. Bullying can exist between social groups, social classes, and even between countries (see jingoism). In fact, on an international scale, perceived or real imbalances of power between nations, in both economic systems and in treaty systems, are often cited as some of the primary causes of both World War I and World War II.

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A friend of mine has been going through, (according to Wikipedia), a classic case of bullying.  He has tickets to the Florida Panthers, but is also a fan of another team and as such, will wear that team's jersey.  The claim by some is that this all started because of a letter he had written, but in actuality, he had been verbally chastised often on message boards and in person prior to that because of the jersey.

The following was posted on my friend's Facebook page.  I did not see it personally, but it was sent to me.  I was shocked and surprised.  I've omitted all the names of the posters. 

"I tell you what.  Your a season ticket holder of the Panthers.  Man up and wear a Panthers jersey in the TB arena.  You're a puss!"

5 people liked the above comment on Facebook

 "Pathetic... Just absolutely pathetic."

1 person liked the above comment on Facebook

"Also, I know my first Your should be You're, but I go out of my way to treat you with respect for the last few years but if you don't have the balls to stand up and be a man regardless of the venue then you deserve the abuse directed your way."

1 person liked the above comment on Facebook

"There ya go little bitch. Now you can leave the arena in your RW jersey cheering for TB.  Douche."

2 people liked the above comment on Facebook

 "I wonder who this is about. :)"

No likes on Facebook

"How about those Oilers :)"

No likes on Facebook

"This has to be my useless nemesis (Initials Omitted), aka Super Jew."

2 people liked the above comment on Facebook

 "Pukeass piece of crap!!!"

Unknown likes on Facebook

 "If wearing a Panthers jersey means that I condone this kind kind of behavior from anyone who positively responded to this post then, I have a number of Jerseys that will never be worn again! As a season ticket holder for many years and a friend of most of you, I'm ashamed to be associated with this behavior."

 Unknown likes on Facebook

"This is a loooong standing issues with this person.....not a new issue...... (Name omitted) no one here questions your allegiances. this person however has more than once attempted to sabotage the tailgates. And has generally pissed us off for around 5 years....

 You do not have to condone it, but for those of us who have been the target of this persons "subversive actions" we don't have to condone "his behavior" either...."

 Unknown likes on Facebook

 "Someone here OBVIOUSLY has no clue as to whom we are referring to or the transgressions carried out by said jag-off.

 This guy is a pathetic excuse for a human being that while dishing it out, goes crying to anyone who'll listen and proclaim himself the victim.

Like I told him once before, man-up, wash the sand out of your vagina and then MAYBE you'll be taken seriously."

Unknown likes on Facebook

"***EDIT*** ...proclaim himself the victim after someone gives it back to him"

Unknown likes on Facebook

 "All good and all opinions welcome.  That's what makes this country great.  Without the back story this whole thread could be confusing.  Those who know the story understand. If you know the story and disagree you also have that right. Either way I don't give a rats ass. ;)"

Unknown likes on Facebook

"LOL"

I find it very interesting that only ONE person stood up and said the behavior was wrong, and he was pretty much shot down because he didn't know the back story.

Now, before anyone tells me I don't know the back story, I do, and quite frankly, I don't want to hear that this is about tailgating, because it isn't.  I know that the verbal attacks have gone on much longer than any letter sent about tailgating, and I know that they were because he dared to wear a jersey that was not a Panthers jersey.

Let me just reiterate this.  ALL of this started because someone decided a guy was wearing the wrong JERSEY.

Who cares???  Why is this anyone's business?  Don't we all have better things to do then be the fashion police?  It's not like he's wearing a Nazi uniform or a Ku Klux Klan robe.  This is a hockey game and people are using it as an excuse to turn into a mob and verbally abuse another person.

I can't seem to wrap my mind around this because, not too long ago, I saw a video of a bunch of Flyers fans beating up a Rangers fan.  Is that what we should expect next?  I can hear all the naysayers now:  "That would never happen, we would never go that far, and you know us better than that."  Do I really know you all better than that?  I thought for sure I knew that you would never go after someone with the mob mentality that you've displayed here.

So why am I writing about this?  Because with the exception of one person, I know every single person involved - those who made the comments, the person to whom the comments are directed and the people who liked various posts.

It made me sad to know that these people, people I consider friends, would behave like a bunch of schoolyard bullies.  If anyone were to say things like this to one of their children or family members or best friend, they'd be all up in arms. But for some reason, it's okay here.  

Why is it okay?  I don't understand --  Is it because he tried to fight back with a letter after dealing with constant abuse in person and on message boards because of his jersey?

It's one thing to dislike the other team's fans, boo them in your arena, enjoy it when they are booted out for being jerks, etc and so forth.  It's quite another when you decide to get personal and downright dirty, and that was what was going on FAR before any letter was sent.

The letter was retaliation in my opinion.  Was it the right thing to do?  I don't know, but I do know what it's like to be treated the way he was, to be bullied in that manner and, quite frankly, I understand why he sent the letter, and I honestly can't say that if I were being treated as badly that I too wouldn't try to lash out.

Ask yourself: If your child was wearing the wrong shirt to school and a bunch of kids went after her/him the way these individuals went after their target every chance they got, would you think it's okay then?  Would you understand if your child sent a letter to the principal in an effort to get some sort of justice?  You can say that you wouldn't understand, but I wouldn't believe you.

You know, I follow other teams, and I follow other players.  Is that also terrible, or is it okay because I wear my Panthers jersey?  I also have friends from teams all over the league including the Bolts, Flyers, Rangers, Devils, etc and so forth.  Again, is it okay simply because I'm wearing a Panthers jersey?  If I took it off, or heaven forbid, put on another jersey?  Would I then be subject to ridicule even though I've been a Panthers fan for a long time?  What if I rooted for Chicago in the playoffs, or -- and here's a tough one -- the Canadiens?  Would I be attacked then?

I hear a lot of people bashing the Canadians around me, and for some reason, they have no problem doing that, even though they know that my husband and both my children are Canadian (not to mention a good portion of the Florida Panthers as well).  Still, I say nothing and chalk it up to ignorance, but maybe that's something that I'm doing wrong.  Maybe my desire to "keep the peace" encourages it.

Well, I'm not interested in keeping the peace here.  I'm tired of the high school bullying that I've been seeing.  It's petty and I don't like it.

If you are one of the people who have been harassing this person and you honestly feel you've done nothing wrong here, then I respectfully ask that you un-friend me on Facebook.  I'd rather have fewer friends with higher convictions than a lot of friends that think it's okay to attack someone over and over and over again using the excuse that it's about the tailgating when, really, it started because someone was wearing the "wrong" jersey.

Week 1 - FINISHED

Okay, so I've officially completed week one and as of today, I am down 11 lbs.  WOW!  In addition, I've started Week 3 of the C25K program.

Overall, I feel good.  the hip hasn't been giving me any problems so far (knock on wood), but my feelings on the SBD haven't changed.  I really, REALLY hate it.  I have two more weeks to go on it, although technically I can stop after one more week.  If I didn't have so much to lose, I probably would stop after one.

Tonight's a game night and another MUST win for my beloved Panthers and then tomorrow, I'm traveling to Tampa with a bunch of friends to watch yet another Panthers' game as they take on the Tampa Bay Lightning.  I'm a little nervous being on the road because well, WHAT will I eat?  It's not like I can steam any vegetables in my car or cook any chicken and as I've already mentioned, a person can only eat so many eggs in a day or in my case, in a week.  Well, I have 24 hours to figure it out because I'm leaving tomorrow at 10:00am.  Wish me luck.