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Fear

Generally speaking, I am a fearful person.  Most people may or may not realize this about me, but I really am.  I suppose it has a great deal to do with how I grew up, but at this stage of my life, it's hard for me to not recognize it when it pops up.

Today, it has popped up and is very noticeable.

 My throat is tight, my chest is too.  I can't figure out what to do with my hands (thankfully at the moment I'm using them to type - until I finish).  My mind is racing at full speed and I can't seem to concentrate.

My fear may seem irrational to you, but it's very real to me.  Tomorrow, I will be running/walking 5 miles, by myself.  Normally, I'd go out and do my long runs with my husband, Andre, but he has to work tomorrow.  And because I'm such a fearful person, I won't go out by myself - not that distance anyway.

No, the 5 miles will have to be done on my treadmill.

I'm very good at making excuses not to run... in fact, I believe I should have an honorary PH.D just in that subject alone and now, without Andre here as my support system, I'm afraid I won't start... worse yet, I'm afraid I'll find a reason not to finish.

You see, because of my weight, the self doubt and the "I can't do it's" tend to creep up into my mind very often.  It's those thoughts and feelings that I use as my crutch.  It's those thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing right now.

What if I can't finish this?  What if I get too winded?  What if I have a heart attack and die right there on the spot.  Yes, as I said, I'm very good at finding excuses.

What I really wish I could do is have the strength to conquer my fear.  I need to ask God for help with this one, because right now, he's the only one who can help me get past this.

My Personal Friendship Rule:

I don't care if you are male or female.  I don't care if you are black, while, yellow, purple, technicolor, neon or any other color.  I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Free Spirit or atheist.  I don't care if you believe in gay marriages or traditional marriages.  I don't care if you believe in abortion or if you're against it.  I don't care if you are republican, democrat, independent or the national party of animal lovers united.  I don't care if you smoke or don't smoke.  I don't care if you drink or don't drink.  I don't care if you're rich or poor.  I don't care if you're gay, straight or bi.  I don't care if you are American or non-American.  I don't care if you love Sci-fi or hate it.  I don't care if you love hockey or hate it or any sport for that matter.  I don't care if you cry in sappy movies or you laugh hysterically at them.  I don't care if you are a serious person or someone who loves to get silly.

The only thing that matters to me, let me repeat, THE ONLY THING, that matters to me, is are you a kind person?

Because if you are a kind person, a person who doesn't need others to agree with everything you agree with, then yes, we can be friends.

Be kind.

That's all I care about.

That's the only MUST HAVE when it comes to my friends.

Still Learning

We all grow and learn no matter what age we are.  Such is the case for me.  Yesterday, I ran my first 2 miles without stopping in years so what did I do?  Work out the upper body so I could rest my leg muscles? 

Nope, because that would have been the smart thing to do.

I decided I was feeling extra proud of myself and I wanted another cardio day - so I did my step aerobics with one of my FIRM tapes.  UGH!!

MISTAKE, MISTAKE, MISTAKE!!!!

While this is usually one of my easier tapes, I found that I could barely lift my legs or do a simple lunge.  My legs felt like giant lead weights... so bulky, so in the way and completely useless.

I've learned my lesson... rest and recuperate.  If I don't heed this very smart advice, then once again I won't be making it to my 1/2 marathon and that would be more devastating than missing a little back to back cardio workout.

Accomplishment

I have lots of goals that I want to achieve - personal, business and physical.

This morning, I worked on my physical goal.  I've been training for the Lady Speedstick Half Marathon in St. Pete.  It takes place November 18th, the day after my birthday.

I don't talk about it often... in fact, I never speak of it with my friends because the last time I trained for one, I got injured and when I finally healed, it was not enough time to finish my training in order to run the full 13.1 miles.

I felt like a complete failure.

The only person I talk about it with is my husband, Andre.  He's a pro in the marathon scene as far as I'm concerned.  He's got at least 5 or six full marathons under his belt.  Most of the time I'm proud of him, but there are also times I'm envious.  I want my own finisher medal and I want to have the sense of pride in doing something I never thought I could do.

I want to finish a half marathon and finish standing.

I've been training off and on for about two months.  It's been difficult to get a rhythm because every time I do, something comes up that takes me off track so that I feel like I have to start over again.  The hardest thing for me is not the running though, it's the cross training.  I haven't found something that I really enjoy doing on my off running days.

Today was a training run day for me.  I'm currently on a run/walk program and today called for running 1 minute, walking 3 minutes, (repeat).  When I'm I'm my treadmill, I do the opposite of running 3 minutes and walking 1 minute but as I've been reading more and more, they encourage you to do one workout a week outside.  I hate being outside in the heat.  I hate being outside even more when it's raining.  And I hate being outside even more so when it's raining and lightning.  Today, I was "blessed" with all three conditions.

As soon as we set off, I knew I didn't want to run.  It wasn't until I passed the 1/8 of a mile mark that I started to find my rhythm.  Andre asked me what the system was.  He remembered when years ago I was training for a 5K with another walk/run program, that there was a specific system I had to go by.  Today, I chucked out the system.  I told him I was just going to run until I wanted to walk and vice versa.

Running with Andre is hard.  Very hard.  He runs 5 miles daily with a long 13 mile run every Sunday.  Running for him is a breeze while for me, not so much.

Still, I took it slow and steady.  I didn't have a goal of running the whole thing, but that's what I ended up doing. 

I. RAN. THE. WHOLE. TWO. MILES!

That's actually pretty huge for me.  I haven't run a full one mile without stopping for years and here I was, finishing two.  It was pretty amazing and I find myself smiling right now, just thinking about it.

There was no medal at the end of today's run, only soaked clothing and shoes, but man, I sure felt like I received one.

Stress

The National Hockey League Booster Club Convention takes place four weeks from today.  Or rather I should say, the pre-convention activities take place four weeks from today.

Four weeks.  Eeeek.  Has it really come up on us so quickly?

During the past two years, we went from being very calm about the whole thing to having bouts of bipolar episodes over the past month or so.

We all want this to go well.  We want everyone to enjoy themselves.  We want to have a favorable view of our community and of the work everyone has put into this.  We want it to be over.

No, I'm just kidding.  Sort of. 

There are days when we all look at this and think, we can do this.  Then there are other days when we look at the list of things that still need to get done and we think, Good God, why on earth did we agree to this?

Today, I'm falling the middle.  This morning, I was freaking, now ... well, I'm still freaking, but not as badly as this morning.  I'm just so worried about getting all my paperwork done in time for convention and making sure that everyone will have their packets available on the day that they arrive.

I have the added stress of knowing I'm supposed to be training for my half marathon in November and I'm not doing very well with my training.  On top of that, I wanted to open my own store and that's not going well either.  Then I've been baby sitting which has taken a lot of time out of my day and I'm trying to take care of Andre's company at the same time.  We are down to one vehicle now because we had to give Michelle's car to Brittany.  Michelle is close to getting a job for the summer which means I will now have to work around her schedule, which will mean doing my appointments will take even more juggling skills.

There's just so much that is going on in my head all the time.  Sometimes I feel like it's going to explode.  I'm just over thinking everything right now.  It's going to be okay.

Patience and flexibility.

Isn't that what I tell my convention committee?  Perhaps I should start practicing what I preach.

Easier said than done... just don't tell my committee I said that.  =)

Money ... Oh how I hate thee

It's days like today that I feel horrible being a mom.  I don't mean horrible in the sense that I don't want to be a mom.  I actually love being a mom and I love my girls.

Still, today, I feel horrible because I'm forced to choose one child over another and it seems like my youngest always gets the short end of the stick.

Today, we informed her that we have to give her car to her sister up in Pittsburgh (again).  This isn't the first time she had to give up her car to her sister.  The first time was temporary, but this time, it'll be permanent.

The look of sadness in her eyes and the sound of disappointment in her voice when she realized what we were asking of her broke my heart.

Money, that blasted currency of man that is truly the root of all problems.

This is all because of money.

Due to the economy, like everyone else, money is tight for us.  Still, we've been paying the car insurance for our oldest daughter's car.  She was willing to pay for her own insurance, but because she had gotten into an accident, her car would not pass the inspection needed to get new tags and she couldn't afford to fix the car AND get new tags and as we live in Florida, we have a difficult time helping her when she needs us.

We did the only thing we could do.  We've been paying for the insurance on the vehicle so that she could keep her Florida plate, (I know, I know), but now it's gotten to the point that the insurance for her car is just too high.

What to do?

Well, my youngest's car WILL pass inspection because, as she lives with us, we are able to make sure it's maintained properly.  My husband came up with the idea of giving the car to my oldest and driving her car back to Fl so that it can be fixed and maintained.  My oldest could then get Pittsburgh plates and pay her own car insurance.  Problem solved.

Except my youngest is now sad to lose her car.  And I don't blame her.

It's a raw deal for her.  Her dad and I both know this, but as the economy is a mess, and money is tight, we have no other choice.

I feel miserable for her, deeply, intensely miserable.  It's not because she's losing a car, those can be replaced (eventually), but because this seems to happen to her all the time.  She has to go without or give up something so that we can help her sister.  She never complains and that makes it worse.

I told her that her time will come one day.  When she goes out into the world, we won't leave her swinging in the wind and if the day comes that she needs help, we'll do everything we can to help her just as we did for her sister.  She's a good kid and I love her so much. 

I hope she knows this.

No Excuses

So today I had EVERY excuse in the book lined up for not going out and getting in my workout.

1. I went to bed late.
2. I got up late and the Good Lord knows, I hate running in daylight when people can see me.
3. I could run at the park (there aren't a lot of people there), but my truck has no gas.
4. I've gassed up my truck, but I saw a wee bit of lightning.
5. Okay, so the lightning has passed, but it's still raining.
6. It's actually only drizzling by the time I get to the park, but I forgot my water bottle and the collar for my dog.
7. I could use the park fountains to drink from and the leash as a collar, but this woman just walked up to me and said she received a phone call from her sister and a HUGE cell of bad weather was coming right at us.

"Thank you for letting me know," I told her, "but I have to get in my run."

Whoa, did those words actually come out of my mouth?  Why yes.  Yes they did.

So I finished my workout as such:

Weather:  Drizzling Rain
Miles Run:  I have no idea
Minutes Run:  24
Location:  TY Park in Hollywood, FL
Thoughts:  I'm pretty proud of myself for not giving in to the temptation of finding an excuse not to finish.

Miles Walked:  I have no idea
Minutes Walked:  15
Location:  TY Park in Hollywood, FL
Thoughts:  Walk included warmup and cool down as well as rest breaks between my runs.

Welcome to the Bandwagon

The Florida Panthers are in the playoffs.

Hold on.  That bears repeating.

THE FLORIDA PANTHERS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS!!! 

Not only are the Florida Panthers in the playoffs, but they go in as the Southeast Division Champions for the first time ever.

WOW!!!

That is the most amazing thing I've said in a long time about this team.  I'm beyond happy about this.  I'm overjoyed to the point of sheer giddiness.

This team has been through a lot of changes.  Dale Tallon overhauled this team over the summer and he did an amazing job at it.  In addition, Kevin Dineen took this group of veterans sprinkled with some youth and made them understand and believe in his vision.  He kept them on task when the injury bug went after our defensive corps and took out members of our top lines.  The changes made were good for our team and were long overdue.

One of the most notable and recent changes is in the fan base of the Florida Panthers.  

It's starting to grow.

South Florida is one of those areas that has a very fickle fan base.  If you win, you're in and the fans come out.  If you don't, your out and the fans spend their time elsewhere - unless of course, your the Miami Dolphins.

The last time there was a significant growth in the fan base of the Florida Panthers was in 1996.  I was part of that new growth.  I jumped on that bandwagon way back then, and I never got off.

I wasn't around in the beginning.  I grew up in S. Florida not knowing a thing about hockey.  My mother used to say it's boxing on ice and so, I mimicked her sentiments without giving it so much as a chance.

My husband, on the other hand, was born and raised in Canada.  He was thrilled when it was announced that we would be getting our own franchise.  Me ... not so much.  In fact, I can remember very clearly asking him to watch the games in the bedroom because I wanted nothing to do with it.

Fast forward to the 1996 playoffs.  Bill Lindsay had just scored "The Goal" but I still wasn't involved in the team.  It would be the Flyers series that would pull me in, specifically the battles between Ed Jovanovski and Eric Lindros.

On one of the rare nights that my husband watched the games in the living room, I was doing the dishes.  His screams and cheers brought me over to see what was going on.  I watched as Jovo crushed Lindros into the boards.  I sat down and watched more.  I was mesmerized by it all.  It was the fastest sport I'd ever seen.  The guys just kept going and going, putting their bodies under such duress and yet continuing on as if nothing had happened.

I was hooked.

I wanted to learn more about this team, about this sport.  Who were these guys anyway?

I found out that the Panthers held open practices every day at Gold Coast Ice Arena.  That would be the school that would teach me about the different lines and how they worked together, about line changes and their importance, about penalty killers and power play units.  I would watch them go over drills and then I learned to recognize those drills during game situations.  I learned quickly thanks to those open practices and I learned quickly thanks to the fans of the game.

That's right, the fans.

I met so many people in those days both on-line and in person; people who were eager to teach me, people who were happy to have me on board the bandwagon, people who I still call friends today like Carl and Jesus and Carol.  Heck, I met the best friend I ever had because of Ed Jovanovski (Carrie).  I even met non-Panthers' fans, (Tampa Mike, Philly Mike), who welcomed me into the hockey family. 

As it turned out, I never did jump off the bandwagon, although over the years, I had plenty of opportunity and reason to do just that.  I love this team.  I love what they gave me.

Most of all, I'm grateful for the friends I've made during the time I've been following them.  It's amazing to think that nearly all of my friends today are hockey fans when prior to my falling in love with the Panthers, I don't think I knew a single person who liked hockey let alone followed a specific team.

I'm so glad I jumped on the bandwagon way back then and I welcome all the new fans who are jumping on the bandwagon right now.  I'm really excited to have new fans enjoying this sport.

So, I invite you to come on and hop aboard.  I'll save you a seat right next to me and I'll be happy to help you to understand the greatest game in the world.

But be warned, once you jump on ... you might never jump off again ...

If you're lucky.  =)

As always,

GO PANTHERS!

Happy Birthday Grammy

Happy birthday Grammy.  I miss you so much.

I was only 13 when you died and my birthday was just a few weeks away.  God I miss you.  I know I already said that, and you would think that after all this time it would have gone away, but even after nearly 30 years, it remains just as true as it did then.

I remember so many wonderful things ...

... things like popsicle stick fishing.  You tied string to popsicle sticks and we walked to a nearby bridge.  I really thought we would catch LOTS of fish, but we never caught anything.  It didn't really matter, because I had fun.  I went there a few years ago and Andre helped me to find the bridge.  It was as if you were there with me that day.

I remember going to the Enchanted Forest in RI and I remember visiting Mystic Seaport and the lighthouse.  I remember your visits to us here in Fla and going to Disney World.

During one of your visits, you painted our bathroom.  Mom wasn't very happy, but I liked it a lot.  It was like a part of you was in my house even when you went back home.

I hated that you lived so far away.

When we came to visit, that dumb ol' dog used to lie in front of your house and howl at us.  I was afraid of it.

I remember your house and dream of it often.

I used to like to go under the outside stairs.  It was kind of like a secret hideout.

You had so much neat stuff in your house.  I remember your gramophones and games and running around when we were supposed to be quiet.  I remember your attic and trying to get my brother to go up into it first because I was scared, all the while telling him he was a scardy cat in an effort to make him go up there.

I remember the spiral stairs that went up to the next floor.  Mostly, I remember missing a step and falling down those stairs - even then I was a klutz.

I remember walking to church on Sunday and the dog that I tried to keep by making it follow us to church.  I'm fairly certain you knew what I was doing, even though I was trying to be slick about it and as such, I believe you knew how disappointed I was when it wasn't there after church was over.

I remember orange sherbert. You always had orange sherbert for us.

There's a saying that people don't remember the things you say, but they remember how you made them feel.  That is so true in your case.  I don't recall our conversations at all, but I remember how you made me feel.

Special.  Important.  Loved.

I think you knew that I felt different, disconnected, like someone outside looking in.  You always brought me in.

I remember you when you were sick.  We visited you at your sister-in-law's house.  You were wearing a shawl or blanket or something, but you just looked so different to me.  You were dying.  I knew deep down that was the case, but I ignored it.  I refused to think it could be true.

I remember your funeral.

I would never see the smile on your face that you used to wear when you saw me.  Your arms would forever be limp and would not hug me again.  I felt alone.  I don't think anyone knew just how alone.

You would have known.

God I miss you and I wish you were here.

Today is your birthday and I'll think of you as I always do.  I'll have some orange sherbert and I'll look through my pictures and smile.  Most of all, I'll remember how you made me feel.

Special.  Important.  Loved.

I hope you know that to me, you will forever be special, important and loved too.

I love you Grammy.  Always.

Memories - I love you Andre!

Today, is my husband's birthday.  I can't fully express what this man means to me.  There is not a single man walking this earth who means more to me than Andre does.

I thank God for bringing him into my life over 24 years ago and I remember the day we met as if it were yesterday.  We were both police explorers.  Andre was with the Miramar Dept, and I was with the Broward County Sheriff's Office.  We were both working the same detail at the Broward County Fair, but in different locations.  I was working the Dunk a Cop booth to raise money for some charity (the name of which has been lost as the years have advanced).  Andre was working in the main building keeping an eye on the children's artwork that was being judged so that no one would vandalize them.

I was dating someone at the time who was looking more for a mother figure than a girlfriend and I was never very good at dumping anyone.  He was clingy to the point of suffocation and would not leave my side for an instant whenever we were together.  One thing about me, I need my space.  I need my personal bubble to be respected.  I need to be able to hang out with my friends without being asked a ton of questions because you don't trust me.  I knew for a long time, I wasn't meant to be with this person, but I just couldn't figure out a gentle way to let him know without him going off.  Unfortunately, he wasn't always the most stable person.

I managed to get a break without him and made my way up to the main building.  I headed upstairs and began looking through the artwork.  As I walked around I saw two guys standing by the escalator.  One was shorter than the other and he had a slight mustache and the other was much taller with very curly hair.  I was drawn to him immediately.  I said hello to both of them and we all got to talking.  I found out they were cousins, and I found out the taller one's name, Andre.

The first thing I noticed was how good he looked in his uniform. Whoa!

What do you want?  I'm a girl.  I notice these things.  Then I noticed his gorgeous blue eyes.  He had blondish hair which wasn't really my style, I prefer guys with darker hair, but his smile and his laugh drew me in.  I love hearing him laugh.  It's true and unique and expresses such joy.  You know instantly that Andre is truly happy when you hear him laugh.

The fair lasted for quite a few days and I always seemed to find my way to Andre.  Sometimes I'd be at the fair on days I wasn't scheduled to work (although he didn't know that), just so I could see him and get the chance to talk with him.  We talked a lot during those days, but there was one incident in particular that made me know that I really wanted to see more of him.

A ring was found in one of the bathrooms.

He could have simply kept the ring, I mean, who would have known?  No one.  But he didn't.  He wanted to find the owner.  The reason this struck me is because I had lost my senior class ring recently.  My boyfriend at the time, kept badgering me for it.  He said he wanted to wear it around his neck and after a while, I agreed.  It went missing a day later and I was so upset about it.  To this day, I've never had it replaced.  Andre didn't know about this until later, but the fact that he wanted to find the owner meant something to me.  It meant he was honest and thought of other people's feelings.

A few weeks later, I was at an event up in Boca and at the end of the event there was a toga party.  Andre drove all the way up just to be with me at the party. That night, I knew it was time to brake up with my boyfriend. I know, it wasn't the best time or location, but the fact that Andre drove all the way up there to be with me, and me, not having any feelings for this other guy, it had to be done and the fact that it was done in a public place, made me feel a little better.

As much as we saw each other at different details, Andre and I never had our first real official date yet, let alone our first kiss.

Several months later, actually it was 24 years ago today, I called Andre on the phone to wish him a happy birthday.  He wasn't home, so I left a message for him.  He called me back and shortly after that, invited me out on a date.  Our first, real date.

We had a great time.  He took me to see Gallagher and we laughed hysterically.  Afterwards he took me to dinner and we talked and talked.  When he took me home, we had our very first kiss.  I wish I could say it was one of those romantic, movie type kisses, but it really wasn't.  It was awkward, and actually a little painful - we crashed teeth, ha ha.  And you know that shock wave of electrical type pain that goes through your body when you hurt yourself, yeah, that's what I felt at first.  After we stopped laughing from embarrassment and wincing from pain, we tried again, and THAT one was the romantic, movie type kiss.

I had officially fallen for this guy, and HARD.

We eloped three months later.  A lot of people got hurt.  A lot of people didn't understand.  A lot of people had their own thoughts about why I had married Andre, but they were wrong.  I loved Andre and he loved me.  I knew this as well as I knew my own name.

Did my life turn out the way I had dreamed?  No.  Originally, I was planning on becoming a Sheriff's Deputy, but instead I became a wife and mother.  Do I regret it.  Absolutely not.  God knew what he was doing when he put Andre in my path all those years ago.

I remember praying to Him and wishing on stars for a man to come into my life and take me away.  I didn't think I would ever find such a man because of the things that had happened to me in the past.  I didn't think anyone would truly love me when they found out about the pain I carry with me every day, pain that to this day, still sometimes causes panic attacks and nightmares.  God knew he would love me even through all that and he was the perfect man to help me weather my personal demons.

No one in my life has been there for me the way Andre has.  No one in my life has loved me more than Andre has.  No one in my life means more to me than Andre does.

I love that man.  I love his heart, I love his laugh, I love his crazy, curly, (now gray) hair, I love that he can be silly and serious, I love that he allows me space to hang out with friends, I love that he trusts me, I love that he has the giving heart of his mother and will give the shirt off his back if he thinks someone needs it, I love that he always tries to be a peacemaker, I love that he understands my moodiness, I love that he's a hard worker, I love that he's an amazing father who enjoys hanging out with his children, I love his unique dancing style, I love that when I am feeling sad or scared, he is ALWAYS there for me.  I love that he's the first person I want to talk to when something good happens to me.  I love that he's a good man.  I especially love that God sent him to me.

In April, Andre and I will be married for 24 years and in that time, I've grown more and more in love with him.  He is the best husband and father I could have ever wished for.  He is in fact, my best friend.   

I love you Andre.  Happy birthday!!!

Hand of God

I had a long conversation with a friend of mine this morning about everything that's been going on.  It lasted nearly 2 1/2 hours, but it didn't feel that long at all.  I was surprised when I looked at the clock in my truck as I headed out.

 I want to thank my friend for reaching out to me and talking with me.  I was a mess this morning, but after our talk, I feel a million times better and I really appreciate that he took the time to come and speak with me.  I also want to apologize to another friend who wanted to talk to me via PM, but I just wasn't able to do so.

That said, the morning conversation did me good.  Without getting too much into detail, it made me think that maybe I'm not really such a fool to believe in people.  Most people are good at heart, but no one is perfect.  We all get angry.  We all say things to make a point.  And sometimes we say things to hurt others on purpose.  In essence, we all fight mini-wars from time to time. Sometimes they are small ones where we refuse to talk to each other and ignore them completely.  Other times, they are all out battles that last for years.

I am reminded of a time when I myself was engaged in my own mini-war.  It was many years ago and it was the all out battle kind of mini-war that at times got was pretty bad.  There were two different sides and both fought with everything we had.  I was on one side and a woman named Shelly was on the other.  Yelling and screaming, both in person and on public forums were commonplace.  I had zero respect for her and she had the same amount for me.  At one point, it got so bad that when my youngest daughter was brought into it by the other side, (she was two at the time), I knew that there was no way I was letting go of my anger.

And then something happened.

A set of keys were lost.

It was just a little thing, but to this day, I believe it was the hand of God.

We were all at a meeting and Shelly was there with her best friend, Debbie.  After the meeting was over, Debbie went to get into her car and had found out that she lost her keys.  As I was one of the last people out of the meeting, I noticed they were frantically looking for these keys and asked if they needed help.  I don't know why I asked that, but I did.

After hearing their plight, I did the only thing I could think of doing, I offered Debbie a ride.

I didn't think she'd accept given our history, but she did and in my car she went.  I mentally prepared myself for a very awkward experience and started to drive off.  Just as we were about to leave the parking lot, Shelly found Debbie's keys and flagged us down.

I didn't think anything more of it until the next day, when Shelly called me to thank me for offering Debbie a ride.  We talked a long time and buried a lot of hatchets.  It turned out that a lot of things that were said, were misunderstandings, while others were just stuff that should be forgotten because they were said and done in attempts to hurt each other.  I won't say we ever became best friends in the end, because we weren't, but we managed to get along to the point, that we could actually have conversations whenever we saw each other.

Shelly passed away a few years later and I was surprised when I was asked to speak at her service.  It was a strange feeling because we had a strange relationship, but I left that day knowing that we made an effort to make things right and we did the best we could.

I never realized how much our fighting must have caused distress for our friends.  I know that personally, I can be over-emotional.  (Unfortunately that's the price you pay for knowing me).

I'm not perfect and I've been known to argue, just ask my husband, but for some reason, it seems so much worse when my friends argue.  I get really stressed and upset.

My conversation this morning brought me clarity, a LOT of stress relief and a renewed desire to pray for peace between the two groups.  It may or may not come, but I also know with God, anything is possible.

So ... if someone's keys go missing ...

Everybody Plays the Fool

I've had the phrase "Everybody Plays the Fool" in my head.  It turns out, I'm the biggest fool there is.

I received an e-mail from a friend yesterday afternoon in which she told me about a conversation she had with someone.  In the conversation, she alluded to posts made in the "Bullied over a Jersey" blog post I made earlier, as being made by savages.

The conversation was apparently private, but it turns out that her comments were made public and now the group who were going after the guy wearing the wrong jersey, now has a new rallying cry - that of the word "savage."

I have my own words to rally behind.

Words like: Stupid. Naive. Idiot.  And no, those words aren't directed at anyone involved in this argument.  Instead they are directed at me, myself and I.

I've been wrong on many fronts, and I see now that my belief system needs a major overhaul.

While I still believe there was a lot of bullying going on (it's not hard to see based on the comments made on the Facebook wall), hope was given to me in the form of apologies and assurances to talk things out.  I honestly believed that things were going to get better and I went to bed feeling so grateful that I had people in my life willing to work things out.

Then I received that e-mail and it was like a kick in the teeth.  I began seeing more comments, but this time I knew they were directed towards her and I grew incredibly sad. 

It was naive of me to think that things would change.  The biggest lesson I've learned in all of this is that if people really want to fight, they'll do it no matter what and they'll use whatever excuse they can to keep the fires of anger burning brightly.

A lot of stuff has gone on between these two groups and as one person said, it's been going on for five years.  FIVE years?  There have been actual wars that didn't last as long as that.

This is all a big joke to everyone, but it's not to me.  I'm deeply affected by the amount of anger and verbal abuse that's been going on and I don't know what to do about it.  I wish there was a way that I could bring peace, but I don't have that kind of power and the people who do have the power to bring about peace, just aren't interested.

This argument can be stopped, but the people involved have to want it to stop.  Someone has to say, "Okay, that's enough."

But no one wants to.

The hardest part for me is that I know these people and most of them I care about deeply.  If I didn't, I wouldn't be so upset right now. I was talking to someone last night at the hockey game about how badly I was feeling and the tears just started welling up.  How stupid is that? I felt foolish and stupid and naive for believing that people really wanted to make things better and eventually, I had to tell her that I couldn't talk to her anymore about it because it was too upsetting.

I wish I didn't care so much about these people, but I do.  I can't help it and it really hurts to see this all garbage happening and no one wanting it to stop.

I am praying really, REALLY hard that this all ends somehow.  That someone, anyone has the courage to make the fighting stop.

So I make this prayer out to my Lord God and Savior... Lord please.  I really, really love these people.  Please remove the anger from their hearts and give them the courage to stop the fighting and let it go once and for all.  Please.   Amen.

Bullying Over a Jersey?

In today's society, bullying is a hot topic, particularly in the school yards.  My question then is: can bullying happen to adults?

According to Wikipedia:

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.^[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".

Bullying consists of three basic types of abuse – emotional, verbal, and physical. It typically involves subtle methods of coercion such as intimidation. Bullying can be defined in many different ways. The UK currently has no legal definition of bullying,^[4] while some U.S. states have laws against it.^[5]

Bullying ranges from simple one-on-one bullying to more complex bullying in which the bully may have one or more 'lieutenants' who may seem to be willing to assist the primary bully in his bullying activities. Bullying in school and the workplace is also referred to as peer abuse.^[6] Robert W. Fuller has analyzed bullying in the context of rankism.

Bullying can occur in any context in which human beings interact with each other. This includes school, church, family, the workplace, home, and neighborhoods. It is even a common push factor in migration. Bullying can exist between social groups, social classes, and even between countries (see jingoism). In fact, on an international scale, perceived or real imbalances of power between nations, in both economic systems and in treaty systems, are often cited as some of the primary causes of both World War I and World War II.

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A friend of mine has been going through, (according to Wikipedia), a classic case of bullying.  He has tickets to the Florida Panthers, but is also a fan of another team and as such, will wear that team's jersey.  The claim by some is that this all started because of a letter he had written, but in actuality, he had been verbally chastised often on message boards and in person prior to that because of the jersey.

The following was posted on my friend's Facebook page.  I did not see it personally, but it was sent to me.  I was shocked and surprised.  I've omitted all the names of the posters. 

"I tell you what.  Your a season ticket holder of the Panthers.  Man up and wear a Panthers jersey in the TB arena.  You're a puss!"

5 people liked the above comment on Facebook

 "Pathetic... Just absolutely pathetic."

1 person liked the above comment on Facebook

"Also, I know my first Your should be You're, but I go out of my way to treat you with respect for the last few years but if you don't have the balls to stand up and be a man regardless of the venue then you deserve the abuse directed your way."

1 person liked the above comment on Facebook

"There ya go little bitch. Now you can leave the arena in your RW jersey cheering for TB.  Douche."

2 people liked the above comment on Facebook

 "I wonder who this is about. :)"

No likes on Facebook

"How about those Oilers :)"

No likes on Facebook

"This has to be my useless nemesis (Initials Omitted), aka Super Jew."

2 people liked the above comment on Facebook

 "Pukeass piece of crap!!!"

Unknown likes on Facebook

 "If wearing a Panthers jersey means that I condone this kind kind of behavior from anyone who positively responded to this post then, I have a number of Jerseys that will never be worn again! As a season ticket holder for many years and a friend of most of you, I'm ashamed to be associated with this behavior."

 Unknown likes on Facebook

"This is a loooong standing issues with this person.....not a new issue...... (Name omitted) no one here questions your allegiances. this person however has more than once attempted to sabotage the tailgates. And has generally pissed us off for around 5 years....

 You do not have to condone it, but for those of us who have been the target of this persons "subversive actions" we don't have to condone "his behavior" either...."

 Unknown likes on Facebook

 "Someone here OBVIOUSLY has no clue as to whom we are referring to or the transgressions carried out by said jag-off.

 This guy is a pathetic excuse for a human being that while dishing it out, goes crying to anyone who'll listen and proclaim himself the victim.

Like I told him once before, man-up, wash the sand out of your vagina and then MAYBE you'll be taken seriously."

Unknown likes on Facebook

"***EDIT*** ...proclaim himself the victim after someone gives it back to him"

Unknown likes on Facebook

 "All good and all opinions welcome.  That's what makes this country great.  Without the back story this whole thread could be confusing.  Those who know the story understand. If you know the story and disagree you also have that right. Either way I don't give a rats ass. ;)"

Unknown likes on Facebook

"LOL"

I find it very interesting that only ONE person stood up and said the behavior was wrong, and he was pretty much shot down because he didn't know the back story.

Now, before anyone tells me I don't know the back story, I do, and quite frankly, I don't want to hear that this is about tailgating, because it isn't.  I know that the verbal attacks have gone on much longer than any letter sent about tailgating, and I know that they were because he dared to wear a jersey that was not a Panthers jersey.

Let me just reiterate this.  ALL of this started because someone decided a guy was wearing the wrong JERSEY.

Who cares???  Why is this anyone's business?  Don't we all have better things to do then be the fashion police?  It's not like he's wearing a Nazi uniform or a Ku Klux Klan robe.  This is a hockey game and people are using it as an excuse to turn into a mob and verbally abuse another person.

I can't seem to wrap my mind around this because, not too long ago, I saw a video of a bunch of Flyers fans beating up a Rangers fan.  Is that what we should expect next?  I can hear all the naysayers now:  "That would never happen, we would never go that far, and you know us better than that."  Do I really know you all better than that?  I thought for sure I knew that you would never go after someone with the mob mentality that you've displayed here.

So why am I writing about this?  Because with the exception of one person, I know every single person involved - those who made the comments, the person to whom the comments are directed and the people who liked various posts.

It made me sad to know that these people, people I consider friends, would behave like a bunch of schoolyard bullies.  If anyone were to say things like this to one of their children or family members or best friend, they'd be all up in arms. But for some reason, it's okay here.  

Why is it okay?  I don't understand --  Is it because he tried to fight back with a letter after dealing with constant abuse in person and on message boards because of his jersey?

It's one thing to dislike the other team's fans, boo them in your arena, enjoy it when they are booted out for being jerks, etc and so forth.  It's quite another when you decide to get personal and downright dirty, and that was what was going on FAR before any letter was sent.

The letter was retaliation in my opinion.  Was it the right thing to do?  I don't know, but I do know what it's like to be treated the way he was, to be bullied in that manner and, quite frankly, I understand why he sent the letter, and I honestly can't say that if I were being treated as badly that I too wouldn't try to lash out.

Ask yourself: If your child was wearing the wrong shirt to school and a bunch of kids went after her/him the way these individuals went after their target every chance they got, would you think it's okay then?  Would you understand if your child sent a letter to the principal in an effort to get some sort of justice?  You can say that you wouldn't understand, but I wouldn't believe you.

You know, I follow other teams, and I follow other players.  Is that also terrible, or is it okay because I wear my Panthers jersey?  I also have friends from teams all over the league including the Bolts, Flyers, Rangers, Devils, etc and so forth.  Again, is it okay simply because I'm wearing a Panthers jersey?  If I took it off, or heaven forbid, put on another jersey?  Would I then be subject to ridicule even though I've been a Panthers fan for a long time?  What if I rooted for Chicago in the playoffs, or -- and here's a tough one -- the Canadiens?  Would I be attacked then?

I hear a lot of people bashing the Canadians around me, and for some reason, they have no problem doing that, even though they know that my husband and both my children are Canadian (not to mention a good portion of the Florida Panthers as well).  Still, I say nothing and chalk it up to ignorance, but maybe that's something that I'm doing wrong.  Maybe my desire to "keep the peace" encourages it.

Well, I'm not interested in keeping the peace here.  I'm tired of the high school bullying that I've been seeing.  It's petty and I don't like it.

If you are one of the people who have been harassing this person and you honestly feel you've done nothing wrong here, then I respectfully ask that you un-friend me on Facebook.  I'd rather have fewer friends with higher convictions than a lot of friends that think it's okay to attack someone over and over and over again using the excuse that it's about the tailgating when, really, it started because someone was wearing the "wrong" jersey.

Week 1 - FINISHED

Okay, so I've officially completed week one and as of today, I am down 11 lbs.  WOW!  In addition, I've started Week 3 of the C25K program.

Overall, I feel good.  the hip hasn't been giving me any problems so far (knock on wood), but my feelings on the SBD haven't changed.  I really, REALLY hate it.  I have two more weeks to go on it, although technically I can stop after one more week.  If I didn't have so much to lose, I probably would stop after one.

Tonight's a game night and another MUST win for my beloved Panthers and then tomorrow, I'm traveling to Tampa with a bunch of friends to watch yet another Panthers' game as they take on the Tampa Bay Lightning.  I'm a little nervous being on the road because well, WHAT will I eat?  It's not like I can steam any vegetables in my car or cook any chicken and as I've already mentioned, a person can only eat so many eggs in a day or in my case, in a week.  Well, I have 24 hours to figure it out because I'm leaving tomorrow at 10:00am.  Wish me luck.

7 Pounds

In addition to running again, I've started the South Beach Diet last Thursday. It's now Monday and I'm down 7 lbs. That's how much my girls weighed when they were born, well, 7lbs, 6 oz anyway.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

On the one hand I'm all... woo hoo, 7 pounds. YAY. On the other hand, my mind is telling me, that it's not healthy to lose more than 2 pounds a week. It hasn't even been a week yet.

Of course, the high number could be attributed to not just the new diet but also to the running and cross training I've been doing while on the diet, but I still have that nagging feeling in the back of my head. Is it too much, too fast?

You need to understand that I was on Weight Watchers about 5 years ago and lost 50lbs. When I went off WW due to money issues, I subsequently gained 30lbs back.

WW was very big on only losing 2lbs a week and it was almost frowned upon if you lost more than that. So why on earth would I go on the South Beach Diet?

Because I want to lose weight faster in order to help with my running and as much as I know it's probably not the best thing to lose over 2lbs a week, I also know that I really, REALLY, want to get rid of some of this excess fat. I was told that in Phase 1 of the diet, you tend to lose weight the fastest because your body is now living without things like pasta, breads, cereals, etc. Thankfully some of those things will be introduced in Phase 2 - If I make it that far.

I really HATE this diet with a passion. Well, I hate Phase 1 anyway.

Phase 1 for me is a nightmare. I'm an Italian after-all and pasta is life in my world - not that whole wheat pasta crap that tastes like you're eating cardboard. I'm talking about REAL pasta. Mmmm, yummmm.

Potatoes are also really big in our family. My oldest daughter in particular can eat tons of it. Of course, she's one of those people that can eat anything and still look good.

Bread is another item that is big in this family, but again, I don't care for wheat bread. Good ol' white bread that melts in your mouth with yummy goodness is the ticket. I will however eat wheat bread if I have to.

The worst culprit for me is cereal. I adore cereal. Honey Bunches of Oats is my favorite and I can eat it with milk in the morning, or without milk as an afternoon snack. I've already had issues with breakfast on this diet because I'm not real big on eating eggs. I don't mind eggs, but NOT every day.

Technically this phase is only supposed to last for two weeks, however because I have so much weight to lose, for me it's going to be three weeks. I'm surprised I've lasted this long.

As much as my mind nags me about the maximum two pounds deal, I know I'm only staying because of the higher weight lost. As much as I hate this program, I need to get down in weight in order to help me with my running and hopefully prevent more injuries. Once I get down in weight, I should be running better and I won't need to rely so heavily on this diet. That's the plan anyway.

I don't know if it's a good plan or not, but there it is.

Anyway,

7 POUNDS! WOO HOO! Okay, okay, so yes, I am VERY happy about that part.



.

The day is finally here

So it's finally here. The ING Miami Marathon and Half Marathon. The very first 1/2 I was supposed to run in ...

... and I'm not there.

Yesterday I went with Andre to the packet pick-up so he could pick up his full marathon packet. It was so very difficult because I was really looking forward to the expo ever since I started training. I was looking forward to being there bright and early, listening to the speakers, picking up my packet, visiting with all the vendors. Instead, as we walked up to the building, the tears started welling up in my eyes. I tried desperately to stop them because I didn't want Andre to see, but we've been married far too long and he knew. It was pretty bad. I couldn't even answer him when he spoke to me without getting choked up so for most of the walk to the building, and the walk into the building, and the walk onto the main floor of the expo, I said nothing. I couldn't.

What's worse is that I felt terrible because I knew I was messing up his day. I felt like I was taking away something from him and I felt like I had failed him just as much as I had failed myself. All I could think about was, WHY did I even bother to come?

If you ever have the opportunity to know Andre, consider yourself very lucky. He's the kind of guy who, when someone is upset, he will do everything he can to fix it. The problem is, I didn't want to fix it. I felt like I deserved to be upset. Andre wasn't going to have any of that though.

We picked up his packet and he suggested I pick up mine. I declined because I felt like I hadn't actually earned it. In all honesty, there were two or three times that I almost convinced myself to pick it up, but then I would change my mind. All in all, I think I made the right decision. When I pick up my first 1/2 marathon packet, I want it to be because I am ready and I am running in that race and not for any other reason.

Anyway, back to the expo - We continued to walk around after Andre picked up his packet and I was getting more and more stressed out until Andre spotted the Women's 1/2 Marathon series. He pointed it out and I reluctantly went with him to check out the booth.

Andre was very excited and he wanted to sign me up right then and there, but I wasn't so sure. I had already failed once at this and what if he plopped down the $75.00 and I failed again? That's a lot of money for not being so sure of something. The lady at the booth was very understanding and she assured me that no matter what, I could do this. It turns out that it's a very women friendly and walker friendly 1/2.

After speaking with her at length, she assured me that if for any reason I needed to walk it, that the time allowed to finish it would be more than enough. She also explained that there would always be someone there supporting you and they just pop right out of the crowd when you need them most and start walking beside you giving you encouragement. In addition they run for Leukemia research and there would be lots of survivors there who are going to be walking the whole thing so if I felt like I could only walk it, that would be absolutely okay.

I was starting to feel a little better about this. Okay ... so you have my interest. More talking, more encouragement and more joy on the face of Andre and I ended up signing up. The race is in St. Pete, Fl on November 18, the day after my birthday and there are exactly 294 days left to train.

So what am I doing here. Time to jump on the treadmill and get moving.

The trade winds are blowin'

It's late and I'm tired, but I can't sleep. My Florida Panthers just blew a two goal lead against the Colorado Avalanche and lost in OT, AGAIN! I am completely and thoroughly frustrated right now.

We've gone from being third in the East to eighth. We blew a 9 point lead in the SE and we are dangerously close to not making the playoffs at all.

We've fallen into old patterns again.

The passes that were tape to tape earlier in the year are missing their marks.

Goaltenders are getting caught misplaying the puck behind the net.

Defensemen are pitching in and staying in deep too long leading to odd-man rushes. Defensemen are not shooting on net as much from the point. Instead, they are banking their shots behind and around the goalie. Why can't the shots be put on net?

Forwards keep passing, and passing and passing and sometimes refuse to shoot the puck. And when they have the puck and shoot, they're leaving the rebounds to be scooped up by the opposing defensemen.

Our power play, good grief our power play, is back to where it was during the Jim Hulton days (God help us). Mikael Samuelsson on the point is NOT the answer. It's nothing against Sammy. I don't like ANY forwards on the point during a power play, but that's a discussion for another time.

Our physical play has dropped. I don't know what the criteria for counting a hit as a hit, but I disagree with our hit count. Some of our hits are barely a "how do you do" to the opposition.

The boys refuse to bring the puck into the zone and opt instead to dump and chase watch or dump and go for a line change.

Three words: Clear The Crease.

On the flip side of clearing the crease, it would be nice to go just one game without shouting, "Get in front of the net." Screening the goalie or being there for the tip in doesn't happen as often as it should. And heaven forbid we go for the garbage goal. Everyone is looking for that highlight reel goal that looks so pretty and so cute on the NHL Network. Well, I have news for you, garbage goals count just as much as the highlight reel goals do. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite goals this year happened when we played the Vancouver Canucks and came off the stick of Marcel Goc after a flurry of shots. It was a messy, dirty, textbook garbage goal and I LOVED it because it was earned with a lot of hard work.

That's what this team was known for at the beginning of the year. HARD WORK! Somewhere along the way, we lost that. Why? Did we get too cocky? Did we start reading the papers a little too much? Did we just stop trying? What happened? I want to know. I need to understand why we are where we are.

:::sigh:::

Whatever happened, the fact is, that no one on this team should feel safe. Everyone is up for grabs in a possible trade. We've been falling in points a little too steadily for my taste and I can only imagine that Dale Tallon is none too happy either.

My first thought is Kris Versteeg. A fan favorite who has been off his game for a while and has met with the ire of Coach Dineen. Dale Tallon could use the "He needs a change of scenery to get back his game" angle to sell him for a higher price.

That said, anyone on the top line is really up for grabs and that includes Stephen Weiss. Sure, he scored his first goal since early December and he DID play his 600th game tonight, but as I said, no one should feel safe, even if I personally would love to see him wearing a "C" on his chest.

The goalies are also up for grabs, but in that case we'd have to get a goalie back (unless the traded goalie was Scott Clemmensen. I think that Jose Theodore and Jacob Markstrom could hold down the fort if need be.

Any of the defensemen could go in a trade, but our highest valued players would be Jason Garrison and Brian Campbell. I'd include Mike Weaver in there because he's so steady, but he tends to fly under the radar and unless you watch the team regularly, you wouldn't really know his true value. I'd also include the injured Ed Jovanovski (ACK) as a possible trade. Injured players have been moved between clubs before. (See the aforementioned Samuelsson). I wouldn't exclude Erik Gudbranson either. If the price is right, I could see Tallon pulling the trigger. Just because he's supposed to be part of our future, really means nothing.

Just ask David Booth. Who would have predicted that trade? Not me. So like I said, ANYONE could be shipped out.

Honestly the only Panther I can see that is UN-tradeable is Stanley C.

This team is taking on water fast. There's a giant hole somewhere that needs to be filled, not just patched up. Personally, I'd like to see our power play addressed. Otherwise, this year will be exactly like every other year. The Panthers will not make the playoffs and the fans will once again deal with an extended off-season.

I am not prepared for that. In my mind, this season was a done deal. We were going to the playoffs. Anything less than the playoffs just makes me sick.

Blu