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Fear

Generally speaking, I am a fearful person.  Most people may or may not realize this about me, but I really am.  I suppose it has a great deal to do with how I grew up, but at this stage of my life, it's hard for me to not recognize it when it pops up.

Today, it has popped up and is very noticeable.

 My throat is tight, my chest is too.  I can't figure out what to do with my hands (thankfully at the moment I'm using them to type - until I finish).  My mind is racing at full speed and I can't seem to concentrate.

My fear may seem irrational to you, but it's very real to me.  Tomorrow, I will be running/walking 5 miles, by myself.  Normally, I'd go out and do my long runs with my husband, Andre, but he has to work tomorrow.  And because I'm such a fearful person, I won't go out by myself - not that distance anyway.

No, the 5 miles will have to be done on my treadmill.

I'm very good at making excuses not to run... in fact, I believe I should have an honorary PH.D just in that subject alone and now, without Andre here as my support system, I'm afraid I won't start... worse yet, I'm afraid I'll find a reason not to finish.

You see, because of my weight, the self doubt and the "I can't do it's" tend to creep up into my mind very often.  It's those thoughts and feelings that I use as my crutch.  It's those thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing right now.

What if I can't finish this?  What if I get too winded?  What if I have a heart attack and die right there on the spot.  Yes, as I said, I'm very good at finding excuses.

What I really wish I could do is have the strength to conquer my fear.  I need to ask God for help with this one, because right now, he's the only one who can help me get past this.

My Personal Friendship Rule:

I don't care if you are male or female.  I don't care if you are black, while, yellow, purple, technicolor, neon or any other color.  I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Free Spirit or atheist.  I don't care if you believe in gay marriages or traditional marriages.  I don't care if you believe in abortion or if you're against it.  I don't care if you are republican, democrat, independent or the national party of animal lovers united.  I don't care if you smoke or don't smoke.  I don't care if you drink or don't drink.  I don't care if you're rich or poor.  I don't care if you're gay, straight or bi.  I don't care if you are American or non-American.  I don't care if you love Sci-fi or hate it.  I don't care if you love hockey or hate it or any sport for that matter.  I don't care if you cry in sappy movies or you laugh hysterically at them.  I don't care if you are a serious person or someone who loves to get silly.

The only thing that matters to me, let me repeat, THE ONLY THING, that matters to me, is are you a kind person?

Because if you are a kind person, a person who doesn't need others to agree with everything you agree with, then yes, we can be friends.

Be kind.

That's all I care about.

That's the only MUST HAVE when it comes to my friends.

Still Learning

We all grow and learn no matter what age we are.  Such is the case for me.  Yesterday, I ran my first 2 miles without stopping in years so what did I do?  Work out the upper body so I could rest my leg muscles? 

Nope, because that would have been the smart thing to do.

I decided I was feeling extra proud of myself and I wanted another cardio day - so I did my step aerobics with one of my FIRM tapes.  UGH!!

MISTAKE, MISTAKE, MISTAKE!!!!

While this is usually one of my easier tapes, I found that I could barely lift my legs or do a simple lunge.  My legs felt like giant lead weights... so bulky, so in the way and completely useless.

I've learned my lesson... rest and recuperate.  If I don't heed this very smart advice, then once again I won't be making it to my 1/2 marathon and that would be more devastating than missing a little back to back cardio workout.

Accomplishment

I have lots of goals that I want to achieve - personal, business and physical.

This morning, I worked on my physical goal.  I've been training for the Lady Speedstick Half Marathon in St. Pete.  It takes place November 18th, the day after my birthday.

I don't talk about it often... in fact, I never speak of it with my friends because the last time I trained for one, I got injured and when I finally healed, it was not enough time to finish my training in order to run the full 13.1 miles.

I felt like a complete failure.

The only person I talk about it with is my husband, Andre.  He's a pro in the marathon scene as far as I'm concerned.  He's got at least 5 or six full marathons under his belt.  Most of the time I'm proud of him, but there are also times I'm envious.  I want my own finisher medal and I want to have the sense of pride in doing something I never thought I could do.

I want to finish a half marathon and finish standing.

I've been training off and on for about two months.  It's been difficult to get a rhythm because every time I do, something comes up that takes me off track so that I feel like I have to start over again.  The hardest thing for me is not the running though, it's the cross training.  I haven't found something that I really enjoy doing on my off running days.

Today was a training run day for me.  I'm currently on a run/walk program and today called for running 1 minute, walking 3 minutes, (repeat).  When I'm I'm my treadmill, I do the opposite of running 3 minutes and walking 1 minute but as I've been reading more and more, they encourage you to do one workout a week outside.  I hate being outside in the heat.  I hate being outside even more when it's raining.  And I hate being outside even more so when it's raining and lightning.  Today, I was "blessed" with all three conditions.

As soon as we set off, I knew I didn't want to run.  It wasn't until I passed the 1/8 of a mile mark that I started to find my rhythm.  Andre asked me what the system was.  He remembered when years ago I was training for a 5K with another walk/run program, that there was a specific system I had to go by.  Today, I chucked out the system.  I told him I was just going to run until I wanted to walk and vice versa.

Running with Andre is hard.  Very hard.  He runs 5 miles daily with a long 13 mile run every Sunday.  Running for him is a breeze while for me, not so much.

Still, I took it slow and steady.  I didn't have a goal of running the whole thing, but that's what I ended up doing. 

I. RAN. THE. WHOLE. TWO. MILES!

That's actually pretty huge for me.  I haven't run a full one mile without stopping for years and here I was, finishing two.  It was pretty amazing and I find myself smiling right now, just thinking about it.

There was no medal at the end of today's run, only soaked clothing and shoes, but man, I sure felt like I received one.

Stress

The National Hockey League Booster Club Convention takes place four weeks from today.  Or rather I should say, the pre-convention activities take place four weeks from today.

Four weeks.  Eeeek.  Has it really come up on us so quickly?

During the past two years, we went from being very calm about the whole thing to having bouts of bipolar episodes over the past month or so.

We all want this to go well.  We want everyone to enjoy themselves.  We want to have a favorable view of our community and of the work everyone has put into this.  We want it to be over.

No, I'm just kidding.  Sort of. 

There are days when we all look at this and think, we can do this.  Then there are other days when we look at the list of things that still need to get done and we think, Good God, why on earth did we agree to this?

Today, I'm falling the middle.  This morning, I was freaking, now ... well, I'm still freaking, but not as badly as this morning.  I'm just so worried about getting all my paperwork done in time for convention and making sure that everyone will have their packets available on the day that they arrive.

I have the added stress of knowing I'm supposed to be training for my half marathon in November and I'm not doing very well with my training.  On top of that, I wanted to open my own store and that's not going well either.  Then I've been baby sitting which has taken a lot of time out of my day and I'm trying to take care of Andre's company at the same time.  We are down to one vehicle now because we had to give Michelle's car to Brittany.  Michelle is close to getting a job for the summer which means I will now have to work around her schedule, which will mean doing my appointments will take even more juggling skills.

There's just so much that is going on in my head all the time.  Sometimes I feel like it's going to explode.  I'm just over thinking everything right now.  It's going to be okay.

Patience and flexibility.

Isn't that what I tell my convention committee?  Perhaps I should start practicing what I preach.

Easier said than done... just don't tell my committee I said that.  =)

Money ... Oh how I hate thee

It's days like today that I feel horrible being a mom.  I don't mean horrible in the sense that I don't want to be a mom.  I actually love being a mom and I love my girls.

Still, today, I feel horrible because I'm forced to choose one child over another and it seems like my youngest always gets the short end of the stick.

Today, we informed her that we have to give her car to her sister up in Pittsburgh (again).  This isn't the first time she had to give up her car to her sister.  The first time was temporary, but this time, it'll be permanent.

The look of sadness in her eyes and the sound of disappointment in her voice when she realized what we were asking of her broke my heart.

Money, that blasted currency of man that is truly the root of all problems.

This is all because of money.

Due to the economy, like everyone else, money is tight for us.  Still, we've been paying the car insurance for our oldest daughter's car.  She was willing to pay for her own insurance, but because she had gotten into an accident, her car would not pass the inspection needed to get new tags and she couldn't afford to fix the car AND get new tags and as we live in Florida, we have a difficult time helping her when she needs us.

We did the only thing we could do.  We've been paying for the insurance on the vehicle so that she could keep her Florida plate, (I know, I know), but now it's gotten to the point that the insurance for her car is just too high.

What to do?

Well, my youngest's car WILL pass inspection because, as she lives with us, we are able to make sure it's maintained properly.  My husband came up with the idea of giving the car to my oldest and driving her car back to Fl so that it can be fixed and maintained.  My oldest could then get Pittsburgh plates and pay her own car insurance.  Problem solved.

Except my youngest is now sad to lose her car.  And I don't blame her.

It's a raw deal for her.  Her dad and I both know this, but as the economy is a mess, and money is tight, we have no other choice.

I feel miserable for her, deeply, intensely miserable.  It's not because she's losing a car, those can be replaced (eventually), but because this seems to happen to her all the time.  She has to go without or give up something so that we can help her sister.  She never complains and that makes it worse.

I told her that her time will come one day.  When she goes out into the world, we won't leave her swinging in the wind and if the day comes that she needs help, we'll do everything we can to help her just as we did for her sister.  She's a good kid and I love her so much. 

I hope she knows this.